Since it is Halloween, let’s talk villains!
I asked my daughter who her favorite villain is and she loved the question! She went right to Malificent and the meme that she liked so much. She talked about how Malificent was slighted, not being invited to a one year old’s birthday party, resulting in a plan for revenge 16 years later! Talk about ridiculous expectations from the drama Mama of all drama mamas!
If there is a Villain there is a Victim! Who is the Villain?!
If there is a villain (seen to be evil and powerful), there is a victim (seen to be weak and powerless) and where there is a villain and victim there is usually a Superhero/Rescuer (takes charge without being asked). This is the unhealthy drama triad. The characters may change places at any given time, as long as everyone involved the unhealthy drama triad continues.
Help, Superhero!
Here are some possibilities of development from an unhealthy trauma triad into a healthy triad relationship: Let’s call the Superhero the Rescuer, someone who may be over-helping the Victim, preventing the victim from learning autonomy. The Victim who has the power to learn to show up for ones self, grows in self-sufficiency, self respect, and grows by making healthy choices.
While the Superhero/Rescuer stands back and allows the victim to make a choice on their own, allowing for failure or success. Making room and allowances for growth. The Victim sees a way to stand strong! The Villian is left without a victory, and has to rethink how to get their needs met: all it takes is one person to make a change and the unhealthy drama triad is broken.
Who is the Villain?
It has been said that we are all a villain in someones story. Whether we are the villain on purpose or not is another question. Isn’t it really all about perspective and our own story that creates a certain meaning? How one is triggered, or not, and what one chooses to do with the meaning of that trigger, is ones choice, in creating their true reality.
Is the offended party the real Villain?
If one takes offense to another because of a story that is playing in ones mind is it real? I mean it is only in ones head. Right?
Actions start as thoughts.
Maybe one that judges harshly is viewing ones story thru a lens of harshness because they aren’t feeling their best. This can be due to a lack of sleep, possible abusive relationships, or anything in between.
If someone is rude or insulting, how is their energy? Demeaning? I like this word because it perfectly describes the action of lower energy.
De-Meaning
Here’s why: De, which means to make void of: Making void of meaning. That is my personal thought.
However the Merriam-Webster defines demean as to “lower in character, status, or reputation” and de as “do the opposite of”. While meaning is defined as “the thing one is meant to convey or something meant or intended: aim.”
So another way to interpret Demeaning is creating the illusion of the opposite of what is intended and even the opposite of what has all ready been achieved. To foil or insinuate ones energy for the purpose to “bring down a notch or two” may cause someone to appear to have missed the mark or goal, their aim.
Illusions
Does that mean that the mark was truly missed? In the moment it may feel like it to all involved, but the more the emotions are broken down behind the demeaning, the more I believe it is only an illusion. However a powerful illusion, even a believable illusion that may cause many people to believe less than of said person. This is very sad that people will believe a lie, if it is told often enough, or if demeaning happens often enough it degrades ones true character, demeaning who one truly is.
This is what I mean: If one has achieved ones goals and the other distracts oneself and others with demeaning action, the goal is still achieved, even if the credit has been taken away because of demeaning actions and/or words, distracting from the truth of a person, and their goodness.
Who is the Villain?
If one is being loving, kind and nourishing, and is met with rudeness, it is most likely that the receiver feels unworthy of the loving kindness and nurturing that is offered; is the feeling of unworthiness true?? I believe no, even though it defiantly feels true to that individual. Therefore, it’s their truth, but only if accepted. One has the right to reject demeaning and all that it implies. Will others know what the truth is? Some will, some won’t, so what, thats life! – – Yes? As painful as that may be, yes.
Justice
How lovely it is when one stands up for what they know to be true, right and just. The influence that one person has to speak, over the noise of demeaning words and actions, is powerful. I encourage you to be courageous and speak the loving edifying words of justice, for the truth is always non-negotiable; which is more powerful with a much higher vibration than demeaning words and actions. I applaud you ahead of time. Thank you.
Worthy
Because if one is conceived one is worthy of love, kindness and nourishment, even if ones parents are unable to give what is required, it never means one is unworthy. If you are reading this, hearing this read to you, or just being, you are worthy.
Master
Ones feelings are not always a true North, just because one feels bad about ones self doesn’t mean that there are any less worthy than someone who feels good. For instance, feelings have been influenced by the people who have raised us or pretended to help raise us, or, … Sometimes resulting in shame, possible trauma, blame, and lacking loving acceptance, in other words “making believe” that one is unworthy, or maybe this it to de-mean too, “making believe” never makes it true or a worthy notion. Ones environment growing up makes all the difference if ones needs were tended to properly or not, ones feelings and emotions tended to, so many different stories, made into so many different meanings.
Presents
Even though the interpretation or story behind the feelings are not always a true North, they do send a message. If one is willing to listen, get quiet and hear what ones body is needing, spend a few minutes or hours sitting with those emotions, this is on the way to healing, both for ones self and others. This is the part where self-parenting becomes vital. Side note: When one parents themselves well, one becomes a better parent. Hurting people will hurt people, even if unintended. Start healing to end the hurting, for ones self and others, for the emotional work that you refuse is passed down to children and other loved ones. EFT coaching helps: https://calendly.com/lesleyvw/15-minute-consultation
Who is the Villain?
Now, back to Malicifent, that demon coma-maker (villain name for step-mother and other underworld creatures:) whom get their feelings hurt at the drop of a bucket, taking revenge on all knowing fairy godmothers (Malicifent did tell them, yes she did give fair warning)!
The fairy godmothers are all so busy flying around, taking care of the infant/child princess, fearfully hiding the problem from her. The do-gooders acting for the princesses own good and protection, instead of arming her with the truth and power to out wit the villain; which is exactly what needs to happen for the drama triad to stop (just one person stepping out of character and calling attention to the madness).
Did I mention that the drama triad can go on and on and on?
Change Mean-ing
My version of the story goes like this: The fairy godmothers whom are the princesses caregivers, prepares the princess with the truth thru wisdom and maybe some fighting skills without fear. Then when Malicifent does show up, the princess handles her well, putting an end to her evil schemes. Malicifent has a nervous breakdown and goes into therapy. She forgives the fairy godmothers for slighting her (for not inviting her to the one year olds birthday party). She asks the godmothers and the princess all for forgiveness when she has done enough work on her self that she is strong enough to handle the situation.
The princess and godmothers all throw Malicifent a welcome back party as they all enter into the land of healthy relationships.
Hope you enjoyed my version of the drama triad and when you notice the drama triad, I hope you ask yourself: Who is the Villain? And what part am I playing?
Stay healthy and remember to stay or get grounded.
Happy end of October & Halloween,
Much Love and Many Blessings,
Lesley VanDeventer-Witt
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